Friday, November 16, 2012

my brain

ahhhhh, i'm so tired and yet something matt just said to me as he was drifting off to sleep has triggered a thought. maybe one of the few cohesive thoughts i have had recently. and so i feel like it's important to write it down. even though there is nothing i would like more than to be asleep right now.

our florida room is full! ever since we moved into our new home people have been giving us furniture. most of which is amazing, thus causing our "old" stuff to look unappealing. so when we get something new and more loved than what we previously had, the old stuff gets moved to the florida room. and there it sits causing our back room to be bursting with furniture, and too small baby clothes, entertainment centers, and neglected toys. it is starting to feel like it's falling in on me. like i am going to be overtaken with clutter. and so a few weeks ago i got fed up with it all and started taking pictures of our discarded crap/treasures and posting it all on craigslist. i have sold a few things, but the majority of it is still back there. mocking me. laughing merrily. seriously, it's like it talks to me every time i do our laundry.
i just want to sort it and be done with it once and for all.

tonight as matt was drifting off to sleep he whispered to me, "thanks for sharing with me what's on your mind".  to which i replied (to an already sleeping husband), "thanks for listening. but sometimes i really feel like my brain is like our florida room. it's such a hodgepodge of thoughts right now and it feels like there is no rhyme or reason."  and that's why i had to get up and write this, because i did say that to a sleeping matt. i do think that my brain has so much in it right now. i do feel like the rooms of my brain sometimes threaten to cave in on me. deep breath--- there is so much piling up. so many things to sort. old ideas moving to the back of my brain and new ideas making their way to the front.

such as, penelope turning one = no more babies for us. ever. even to type that sentence creates space in my mind. it takes what was clutter and it organizes it.
i will never have a baby again. i'm finished having babies. wow.

another pile of work. money. career. what's next for me? sometimes i feel like i have talents...i can sew, cook, you know things like that. does that mean i want to do any of those things for my career? do i want to own my own business? do i want to take a hobby and turn it in to something that makes our family money? i really don't know. i need something in the meantime. i keep praying about it.

another pile of clutter...and another and another. sometimes i have time to receive information and send it out at pretty much the same speed it enters my brain. but lately. well, it seems like i am receiving information and thoughts in overdrive and nothing is really going out.  i wish there was a craigslist for the piles in my mind.
this is a stupid thing to write about. but it makes sense to me. right now. right here.
it makes total sense to me. the florida room and my brain. they are the same.

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