Monday, July 7, 2008
today would be finn's 4th birthday... this day brings about so many feelings and images. i can remember exactly what it was like being in labor with him and i can remember vividly what it felt like to finally after so many hours birth him. i remember the look on matt's face as he told me that it was a boy, we have a son, he said. what joy he had on his face for exactly two seconds and then it all went south from there. i guess it didn't cause as much heart ache at that instant as it does looking back because at that moment when he wasn't breathing i was telling myself that he would be fine and that this happens sometimes to babies. i was really trying to keep it together for me, for matt and for my mom and matt's parents. it is only knowing the out come that i look back and see finn's birth as the ushering in of his death. i remember a few months later telling myself if he had never been born then he never would have died.... unfortunatly he was and so he did. but today on his birthday i try to just think about him being alive. the days and moments that we did get to spend with him. the night that i woke up early and wrote in his baby book his birth story believing that he would some day hear it read to him. if i would have waited no less then 24 hours later i never would have been able to do that. the Lord knew and i really believe He woke me up and put a sense of urgency in me to write it to him. finn was born at 4:14, july 7th, 2004. he weighed 8lbs 2oz. he had beautiful hair and a chubby face, perfect fingers and toes and a dimple in his chin. he never made a sound. i guess i wish i could hold him one more time, i wish i would have given him a bath, i wish that my voice could have soothed him and that i could have sung to him. i wish that i could even throw it back in his face that i labored 36 hours with him and pushed for 3 1/2 hours when he was a teenager acting out as they should and will do. that is what i have found most discouraging about loss. even if you believe in your heart that you will see your loved one again there are too many things about death that are a seperation, a reversal of the natural order of things. there is a certain routine a schedule that life generally seems to keep. when it goes out of order it just doesn't feel right. there is something deep inside of us that screams out "hey wait a minute that's not the way it is supposed to be!" plain and simple your life becomes emblazoned with the term, i miss. it shouts at you, it is a constant companion, even through good times there is something disturbed and different...the missing is always present. so today and these 7 days that follow leading up to the 14th, finn's funeral, i bring my missing to the forefront of my mind. it has never left me, because it never can, but it seems closer, highlighted in my mind for this week of rememberance of our first born, our son, our little baby finnigan scott. who we simply miss.