Wednesday, February 20, 2013

lots of words

it's been a long time. too long, really. i was behind to begin with last fall and it just kept spiraling until finally the first week of january our computer broke. this of course put me even further behind in my picture posting and then this space fell to neglect. but the thing that i am coming to realize, the advice that my mom gave me all the way back in november was to just start from here. that's really hard for me though. i don't want a huge chunk of our lives to be missing. but i miss writing here more and i miss having somewhere to go to sort my thoughts out.

i have been walking, and eating better and actually losing some weight. it's freeing. my morning walks with pips in the stroller gnawing on a frozen banana muffin have been good for my head as well. i pray. or just think. or sometimes i even just walk with no thoughts, which is nice too. penelope shrieks at the birds and ducks around the lake and i breathe. i try to take deep breaths in and deep breaths out.  it's been good.

the last 24 hours have been tough though. it's the reason why i decided to come back to this place. this little blog of mine. this record keeper of the harrison house. i have been weaning penelope for a few weeks now. we were down to two feedings and then she started to get her four molars and i just didn't have the heart to stop when i knew she needed the extra comfort. and i needed it too. so somedays the nursing rose to 4 or 5 times and sometimes it was just a couple of times. but i knew what was coming. i knew the end of my days nursing our babies was nearing the end. ...what i didn't know was how hard it was going to be on me.

i guess i shouldn't be surprised. i'm notorious for struggling when a new phase comes for each of the kids. i did it with micah and his pacifier, when he potty trained, when he left for school, when beatrix started school, when i weaned all of the kids and now weaning penelope. every time this happens i realize again how very much i resist change. i know in my head that good things are coming. with weaning penelope comes offers from friends to watch the kids so matt and i can get away over night. that hasn't happened in 3 years. with weaning penelope comes a trip to chicago to second shoot a wedding for a friend of mine, even though we both know it is more so we can hang out in chicago together for a weekend. with weaning penelope comes a new phase for her, more people food, funny times around the table, special night time routines for her and matt. these are all great things...but deep down, honestly it's probably more just below the surface, i'm sad. really sad. i mean the kind of sad where you aren't sobbing but huge tears are just streaming down your face.

this is the last time...and since it's been 24 hours, i guess february 18th was the last time i will ever nurse a baby for the rest of my life. and that just cements the fact that i won't ever have another baby either. matt and i are 100 percent content with the size of our family, but still.
never ever again? whew...deep breath...

this makes me think of a funny story. on sunday i took micah to pizza hut to redeem his book-it certificate for reading every night for the month of january. we were talking about our family and he was telling me how when he is a dad he wants to have a son and name him john. and then the conversation went to why i couldn't have another baby so he could have a brother. then he said, never mind it would not be good if i had another girl. but then he asked me why i couldn't have any more babies. which basically led to an intro to sex conversation, where the word sperm and eggs were uttered. gasp! i was not prepared for that. but it was good and i just answered his questions as simply as possible and then waited to see if he would ask any more. he asked a few follow up questions. but the conversation ended with him saying "never? i don't believe that. it could happen mommy." i replied with a sigh and "if it happened micah it would be a miracle". he seemed to be content with that.

but for now, the thought is never. and i am mourning, yes mourning as if it will be never ever....

we had a gentleman and his daughter for dinner last friday night. he has become a mentor for matt. he is tender and kind and loves on matt. he listens to him and gives him sound advice and the best thing...he prays with matt. we've been meaning to for awhile and it finally happened last friday. we were all sitting around after dinner having some tea  and that man looked at me and said, "i have something to say to lydia" and he spoke a word to me from the Lord. it's the second time it has happened to me. the first time was a lady in the boynton beach mall when micah was about the size of penelope. i came straight home and wrote it all out. most of it has happened. even down to owning our own house with a green truck in the driveway. but this man just spoke truth to me, encouraging words. he told me how valuable my role is to matt and to our children. he reminded me that God gave me talents and that i can't even comprehend what God has for me in the future. he told me to write, to journal, to get it out. he said all of this with out even knowing that i have been really struggling lately with feeling less of a person compared to matt, and that i have been wondering what is next for me, that i used to love writing and journalling and that i haven't in a really long time. like i said, God gave him a word to speak to me...and i heard it. i was listening.

it is hard for me to start from here. it is hard for me to not want to go back and make sure i document ever picture that i took of the kids in the last 4 months. and if i'm being honest, i will probably post pictures here and there from the last few months, especially of penelope's first birthday and of christmas. but i need to move on. i need to cut myself a break and move on from here.

today i needed to just sit down and write out lots of words.