it's one fifteen in the morning. 1:15 am. i am so dumb sometimes. but this isn't one of those times. i need to get it out. i'm not really sure what it is, but IT needs to get out. today was one of those days when i didn't want to be a mom any more. i didn't. and i don't even feel bad about it. for now anyway.
it was a hard day. a day of serving others. a day where it felt like i couldn't get ahead of anything. piles on the floor, 6 pairs of poopy underpants, taking care of unwell people, changing diapers, going out of my way to go on walks when i would have rather stayed in the house, frumpy clothes, messy hair, spit-up on my shoulder, 3 meals made and complaints heard about said meals, crying fits of anger, tears and more tears from children, complaints from one child that i don't do enough with him, and cries from another one who can't speak that i'm not doing enough for her either. i felt stretched beyond my capabilities today.
it's tough being a mom.
there i said it.
i am sure there are some women out there who do it graciously and with ease....i know i was one of those when i only had one. but then it got tough. really tough. and for some reason it is all really really great or really really awful. today it felt really really awful. i felt like an epic failure. i yelled. a few times. i wanted to cry, but i felt drained of all emotion. i know every old person out there will tell you to enjoy this time because it goes so fast, but honestly on days like today, i want it to go faster. i want it to fly! i want days to come where i can sit at the table and have hot food again, or where i don't have to wipe a stinky smelly butt 20 times, or when i don't hear that i have failed yet again at doing everything that everyone wants.
tap tap tap.
is this thing on?
umm hi my name is lydia, and i think i struggle with being a perfectionist.
and ahem...just a little fyi...it's hard for a perfectionist to fail!
i am learning that there are some things i need to not try so hard at, like meals for instance. i try too hard with meals. my family would be much more content if i didn't run around like a chicken with my head cut off for an hour before dinner trying to put something beautiful and elaborate on the table. it goes unnoticed by them. not because they are insensitive, but because they love yogurt and strawberries, grapes, or cheese, or bread and butter.
geesh lydia, give yourself a break and don't try so hard on the meals, for now.
they just don't have your palate.
but there are some things you do need to try harder. and one of those things is over explaining yourself. you don't need the approval of your 6 year old. you don't need him to understand why you do the things you do. you see the big picture, he doesn't need to. you need to have confidence in the decisions that you make, so that they will have confidence in you too.
you do need to try harder at having patience with your 3 year old when she has pooped in the 6th pair of underwear that day. she can't tell you what she is feeling, she can't tell you why she is doing it and for goodness sake you don't need to alienate her even more by letting poopy panties cause you to yell. even if you had to throw them all away, they are just underwear and her sensitive nature is worth a bazillion times more than that.
today was an epic fail.
write about it.
get IT out.
go to bed for a couple of hours and wake up tomorrow and try again.