a dose of reality

do you see that baby count down ticker to the right of your computer? i mean look at it! it stares at me every time i log on here. and strangely enough it keeps getting smaller and smaller. i don't get it! why is this pregnancy flying by? where has the time gone? and how on earth did i get so large? though we don't know the sex of this one i am really convinced it is a boy...well maybe it's a girl...no it's a boy for sure....but it really could be a girl....no i've had 2 boys already it's another one....though i am carrying differently this time, it's a girl.... AHHHH! i can't believe i only have 10 weeks left! October is right around the corner and that means the beginning of balancing two kids. how am i gonna do it? i mean sure women before me have done it with far more then two but HOW? how does your love go from so focused on numero uno to splitting between two, three, four or more? i really don't get it and because i tend to be a concept girl (meaning if i don't get the concept it surely has to be impossible) i really don't GET this!

i guess the one thing that gives me some comfort is micah and his potty training. we began full force 2 weeks ago last friday. i waited until matt got home from michigan for moral support. at least that's the reason i tried convincing myself of. really once again i could not get my head around the concept of teaching someone to pee in the toilet and not on themselves in the convenience of a diaper. if i couldn't grasp it therefore it must be impossible. what happened? micah started the first day with 3 back to back accidents. i sighed heavily and dramatically and looked at matt with a look of "see i told you this is impossible". he said be patient. micah had no more accidents the whole day and to top it off he even went poopy in the potty. now that was something i was not ready for. he got it. without me really teaching him anything...he was just ready and somehow it happened. the next day he topped it though. he came running to me (after having gone a whole night dry which i took as a complete coincidence) and said "mommy mommy i have to go pee."

"let's go let's go" i said.

"no, you wait out here" ???? what???? mommy, your life line, wait out here?

tentatively i say "ok bubby, are you sure?"

"yep" he nods to me and sets off to the great white throne alone. i peaked around the corner and he was standing up, peeing with perfect aim!!!

"matt come here", i whisper yelled "you have to see this"

we both peek around the corner and micah catches us and just beams! i mean grins from ear to ear. "i go potty like daddy!" matt and i started jumping up and down yelling hooray micah hooray micah way to pee in the potty. he says, "yeah can i have a marshmallow now?"

to which we replied, "you bet, you're the best, way to go buddy, man you're awesome!"

now you may be wondering where in the world is she going with this....two points.... number one this notion i have developed of feeling paralyzed to do something until i can get my head around the concept is fear and control! i don't have much of either anyway. Second, i don't know how i am going to have enough love for two children. i mean i really don't get how it is going to happen and the more i think about it the more it paralyzes me from enjoying this pregnancy. however, i am choosing to believe that it WILL happen. Even though i can't get my head around it i am going to trust that i too can do it!