Friday, July 8, 2011

{seven}

yesterday, he would have been 7.
July 7th, 2004
so much is going on this year....
micah asked more questions too. complicated questions.
not easy to answer.
he asked me how finn died. what do i say to that? he wasn't sick. he asked me if we have any pictures of him. i said, yes honey. there is one on the wall there of him and daddy. oh, he replied. what did he look like when he was older? sigh from me. he only lived three days, baby. he didn't get older. again he replied, oh. because of all that happened with finn we prayed alot when i was pregnant with you micah. well, didn't you pray when you were pregnant with finnigan, mommy? yes, honey. i prayed alot. why didn't God answer your prayer with him?
(see, tough and complicated questions.)
well, sometimes God says not right now, and sometimes he says, maybe, or later or in awhile. sometimes He says no and sometimes he says yes. alot like how mommy or daddy answer you. micah thinks about this for awhile. well, God is a father. He is Jesus' father. i nod. its all i can do at the moment. he asks if he can hang his shark tooth necklace on finn's memorial candle. we sit in silence for a bit. i ask him if he has any more questions. he shakes his head. i hug him, longer than necessary and whisper that he can ask me anything anytime. its more to remind myself of this fact than anything.
it's tough to talk about it sometimes.
it's not how i would naturally handle it. i think if it were just me i would curl up in a ball on his birthday and not talk to anyone. but we aren't alone, thankfully. life did move on and it is still moving. we are due to have another baby which always makes finn's birthday strange for me. it's hard to focus on him when i am growing another one inside of me. there is too much at risk. too much to be reminded of when i am due with another...
today, micah told me he made up a song for finnigan. he asked me if i wanted to hear it. and as i was washing dishes he sang in the sweetest voice,
finnigan, finnigan, finnigan
precious, precious, precious...
i kneeled down. swallowed hard. hugged him. and whispered thank you.
he walked out and while i was still kneeling on the floor, blown away, i whispered to matt in the next room, did you hear that? he whispered back, yes.
every birthday looks different.
and year 7 was no exception.
(the memorial butterfly bush we planted at my parents' home in iowa. it looks just like the ones on his grave in michigan. )

8 comments:

Sheila K. said...

Please know your heart is being held in mine. Peace to you, friend.

elizabeth worsham said...

love to you, lydia! thanks for sharing, and congratulations on another arrow!! love it!

Chris Terryn said...

You and Matt are amazing parents...
God bless Finn and the rest of the expanding Harrision family.

courtney said...

Thanks for sharing such raw emotion with those that love you. And we do, really, really love you.

jaren said...

wow. seven...
your story and how you share it are breathtakingly beautiful...the gift of your loves honoring your precious finn too. thank you for sharing these moments with us.

GreenRanchingMom said...

Tears. Hugs. You are SUCH a great mom to ALL your babies!! Prayers from Iowa.

Mom VC said...

The tears are dropping down into my lap. We'll always remember those sad, sad days in Toronto. He's with Jesus now.

I love you guys,
Mom VC

Dad VC said...

The tears are coming down my face as I read the thoughts and emotions of a sorrowful and grieving mom and daughter. And as I hear the spontantous, engaging heart of a five year old brother, trying to put it all together regarding his daddy & mommy's loss, and his own. How priceless are his mother's answers and Micah's questions that you shared for all of us to ponder. God can use the littlest dear ones to bring us to our knees in wonder. As we sometimes hear the heart of God through the sweetest words of a child's insights. Thanks honey for letting us all in, so we can grieve along with all of you too. I'm so very sorry, I love you dad.