a deep sigh escapes me as i look at the whiteness of this empty post. i long to express what today and the days leading up to today have felt like. i guess i will start with yesterday and work backwards and then forwards again.
i worked last night. my very good friend michelle was in labor all day yesterday, awaiting the arrival of their new little girl. i had watched her son all morning to give her some much needed resting time. while i was at their house picking up their son michelle told me that her mom was on her way from north carolina but if for some reason she didn't make it in time, did i think i would be willing to come to the hospital to help when the time came to deliver the baby? really? i asked. yes, she said that matt had a hard time with that stuff and it would really help her out. sure. i replied thinking to myself that i doubted she would go before her mom got there as she had left in the morning and was expecting to make it to west palm by 6:30. sure, i will come, i said looking at her thinking, there is no way you will need me as it is 2:30 already and that is only 4 hours from now. sure. at 5:40 i recieved a call that they were at the hospital, the baby was coming fast, michelle was too far along to get an epidural, and the daddy sounded nervous. so i left work, promising to return in an hour. but when i got to the hospital i waited outside her door wondering if i should knock or just sneak away as if i had never been there. did she really want me there? would i be interfering? i knocked...waited and the doctor poked his head out. announced to michelle that lydia was outside and i heard a weak voice say, oh it's lydia, she can come in. i walked into the room and there was my friend, looking scared and very nervous. you can do this i said. you can do this! and she did, with me right there watching, she pushed out that little baby not even 15 minutes after i got there. we both cried, i filmed her matt cutting the cord, we stared at that little baby who hadn't even been there moments before and i took a deep breath trying desperately to not faint.... life....just like that a little life was laying there on michelle's body.
today is the anniversary of finn's birth. he would be 5 today. 5 years old... 5 is when you go to school. 5 year old boys, from what i have been told, begin a love affair with star wars. 5 does not seem like a toddler any longer. he would have been 5 today. (a deep sigh) every year on this day it feels as if i am ripped back open. i feel as if i am walking around raw. raw and bumping into things. raw and numb and there is no joy associated with this day at all for me. it feels like the begining of the end instead. sometimes i think, if he would have just stayed inside of me i could have protected him. i could have kept him safe for a little while longer. but he had to come out. he was 6 days late after all. he had to be born. the memories are getting alittle bit foggy. especially this year. i tell myself i am too busy to think about it. i don't want to think about it. i don't want to hurt. i don't want to be raw. i don't want to talk about it with micah. i don't want to explain it to him. i don't want the questions that only a 3 almost 4 year old can ask and the answers that lead to more questions. i don't want to deal with it anymore. aren't i horrible? i feel horrible. i have been trying to piece the events of yesterday with the events 5 years ago. 5 years ago yesterday...i too was in labor. that is crazy. i prayed all day yesterday that she would be born on the 6th.... the 7th seems to personal. i want to claim it as mine. though until i die i am sure it will be the anniversary of micheal jackson's funeral. but you know what that is ok with me.
cause what i am learning is that life is going to keep right on going. every year the anniversary of the 7th-14th is going to look and feel just a little bit differently. micah will have more understanding of it and then we will have to explain it all again to beatrix. then it will become just a part of our year and later when they are gone from our house and it is just matt and i again, we can move around quietly if we want. stopping to whisper about the little baby who has been gone now 20, 25, 30, even 40 years. i think i keep hoping that it will feel the same every year. i need to give that up. it will never be predictable. it will never be the same.
matt was holding micah last night. telling him what tomorrow (today) would probably be like in our house. holding micah in his arms matt began, "mommy and daddy are going to be kind of sad tomorrow", he said. "why?" micah asked. "cause tomorrow is your brother finnigan's birthday." "oh, where is he?" micah asked. "finn died when he was just a baby", matt answered. "well, how did he die daddy?" "we don't really know buddy," matt continued. "the doctor's don't really know what happened to finn". micah thought to himself for awhile and then said, "like the dinosaurs?" matt looked at me and we allowed an exchange of smiles, "yeah, like the dinosaurs. but finn is in heaven." micah started to look alittle worried, "well, am i going to die?" matt looked at me again, searching for a little help. i said, "yes honey. we all die. but most people die when they are very very old. not very often do babies die." "hmmm, that IS sad mommy." micah said and with that the conversation was over for the night. these are the kind of dialogs that i know are "good" but i hate them. i find the longer finn has been gone the more i want to wrap it up and keep it my secret. my untold story. i feel like no one really understands anyway. selfish maybe, but he was real. he was a baby. he carried with him so many hopes and naive dreams.
i had a dream a few nights before finn's birthday. it was about micah. we were walking down some steps and micah had on his little red crocs. he tripped down the steps and his neck snapped. he woke up in the hospital not able to talk or walk or anything. it was a terrifying dream.... i know i am all over the place with this post and the empty white is filling up too fast now. a rapid fire of thoughts are streaming out of my fingers. i am unable to stop this purge. i am not writing this for anyone to read....i write cause i need to get it out of me. get this out!
i witnessed life yesterday. i didn't just go and see a baby already out and laying on its mother. i came in looking at a belly, seeing my friend and watching life spring from her. that is amazing! life is amazing! it is so unbelievably fragile..... i have two beautiful babies now. micah asked me today in the car if i had had 3 eggs. yes, i told him. finn was one egg, you were my second egg and beatrix was my third egg. i had three eggs.
i had three eggs.
sigh. i get to look at two of them every day, but there is one egg that was broken and when i see him again he will be whole. perfect.
happy birthday my darling finn.
mommy and daddy love you and miss you and think of you often.
"Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,
Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,
Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,
Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,
beautiful boy by john lennon. - as sung by me to my belly while i was pregnant with finn....