the 7th through the 10th has come and gone again. Finn would have been 6 this year on the 7th which is unbelievable to me. every year has looked differently and this one was no exception. i had to work on his birthday. it was hard not being home with matt. but we had spent a few days leading up to it talking over the events of those three days 6 years ago.
matt really wanted to have a service this year with a few of our friends. i was not excited about it at all. in fact the idea of it made me sick to my stomach. i told matt that i really didn't want to do it. he asked me to trust him and that he believed it was something that we really needed to do. i wanted to just be alone. i didn't want to talk about it with anyone really let alone have a service in which people were watching me. i was worried that they would think i was ridiculous for still being upset about this. i think that people would rather i just be over it...maybe i think i should just be over it. anyway, i told matt that i didn't want to do it, but that i would because i love him and i think it is important to support your partner however their grieving may look.
friday he showed me the liturgy and asked if i would like to be a part of it at all. i told him that i would do the prayer after he shared our story. Saturday morning i spent much of it thinking about what i wanted to pray and then about an hour before we left for the church i wrote it out. i was unsure of it, but felt like it really reflected my thoughts and my heart.
Saturday about 15 of us including our pastor and the kids gathered at the church. everyone was relatively quiet and uncomfortable. i was nervous and kept playing it off like what we were there for was no big deal. i hadn't cried about finn in months. in fact i can't even remember the last time i did. we started the liturgy with micah lighting a candle in remembrance of finn. he asked a lot of questions about him this year so we wanted him to be a part of it. then matt gave the welcome and our pastor started to follow the liturgy. the first song started the tears flowing softly down my face...Jesus Loves the Little Children...sigh....yes he does.... we greeted everyone with holy kisses and then there was an old testament reading and a new testament reading...then matt shared our story and our life then, his life then, our life now and our life to come. and as tears poured down my face i looked at matt and knew that this was indeed just what i had needed. it was a good thing to tell his story, to remember, to not forget. as time goes by we do become forgetful of the things that happened. i realized that even though i have pictures of him in my house and other visual reminders i have trained myself to not look at them...to not really think about it. to not think of how it really affected us. of how much he is truly missed. that fact surprised me cause i hadn't even realized it.
matt talked about a picture that we have hanging on our fridge. it is of the two of us after we had moved to toronto. we were at the holiday parade which would have been in november. we didn't know we were pregnant yet and there is such a look of innocence on our faces. he also told the story of the night we took him off of all the machines and we were sitting in our room just waiting for him to take his last breath and we were sooo tired that after staying awake with him for 7 hours we all fell asleep together and each one of us woke up from that a different person. Finn in heaven and us changed as well. i let the tears fall freely without even wiping them away. it hurt to remember, but it was good too.
after matt was finished, i got up and shared my prayer. water had fallen on it in my purse so it was almost impossible to read but i got through it. here it is...
Dear Heavenly Father, July 10, 2010
We confess that the reason we are here today is a mystery. It is part of a picture that we can't understand. We confess that we are baffled by many things during our time here on this earth. Forgive our doubts and questions and our cries of why Lord, why? In all of this we also confess that we trust you and that we know you are hurting with us which does give us comfort. Today we come before you broken and hurting. We also know that there are many people in this world who are broken and hurting as well. We intercede for them this afternoon. We ask that you hear their cries and sorrow and that you, being the God of love, mercy and justice, will somehow make a way for them to find healing, rescue and help. We think of the widow and the widower who are all alone trying to make a way for her or his family. We think of the orphan who has been abandoned and needs especially to feel your love as Father. We think of the poor who are hungry and tired of slaving away to just get by. We think of the homeless who have nowhere to rest their heads. We think of the oppressed who are treated cruelly and unfairly day after day after day. We think of the sick who are in pain daily. For all of these who may be too tired and downtrodden to even utter a prayer of help, we intercede. We ask not necessarily for deliverance, but for help, for peace and for the strength to make it through another day. And for those father who have known the loss of a child for which there is not even a name, we ask for the power of your love to help us not become embittered, angry, hopeless or full of sorrow, but that you will show them as you have shown me that you do feel their sorrow, deeply! That you do care that this hurt has now occurred to them. That you are saddened that the perfect world you created is now full of pain and suffering and unspeakable loss. That you wish you could come and take our pain away. But we trust you and your timing. Though we do not understand, we simply trust. Thank you for being patient with us and for walking through all of our lifes journey WITH us! We thank you that you are a God who loves, who cares, who bares all things and who brings to us a community of people to share our burdens and hear our hurts and hold our hearts with love. We thank you for the gift of love and for the fact that you allowed us to experience your love through our friends and our family. Teach us to be your face to those who truly need to see your face. Teach us to be your hands to those who need to see your hands. Teach us to be your feet to those who truly need to see your feet and teach us to be your touch to those who need to feel your touch today. Keep our eyes open to see these needs and our hearts soft to sense when you are telling us to do something. We love you Father and we thank you for hearing us this afternoon. Amen
the service continued with communion and then it ended soon after. everyone was crying...it must have been hard for others to listen to it. they hugged us one by one and thanked us for a beautiful service and for inviting them. i am so thankful for my friends. matt and i try so hard to be real. sometimes too real...that is my fear anyway. every time we put ourselves out there like this i get so scared that our friends are going to reject us. instead there was a response of love and a desire to be genuine as well. for that i am so thankful.
6...6 years old....it was good to remember. it was good to feel it all again. it is important to not forget. to not allow time to numb us.
we love you finnigan scott....we are looking forward to seeing you one day.