her first day of school

the day came. 

tensions were high in the house yesterday morning. matt took micah into school early and then he came back and picked the girls up. i took beatrix outside to take her first day of school picture. she didn't want anything to do with it. i kept trying to stay positive and excited, but i think she knew i was faking. and doing a really bad job of it too. i wanted to cry a million times before 7:30. i didn't though. i kept it in, stuffed way way down. i packed her snack, and an extra pair of clothes just in case. i kept thinking, "what if she tries to tell them all something and they don't get it, and she cries. what than?" 

we got in the car and headed out. 

i think matt was nervous too, but he does a better job of "soldiering onward" than i do.

we left her there. actually she left us. her teacher took her hand and like little ducks she and the 6 other little ones in her class went to get some breakfast. i started to cry. she was calling mama, mama over and over again and i told her i loved her before turning away and letting the tears slowly fall down my face. they fell on penelope's head and again i was so thankful for this new little one who was making this separation with beatrix a little easier. more than once yesterday morning, i wondered how i was going to manage this. how would pips get her morning naps, how would i manage to get up every morning at 5:45 or 6 and take matt and micah to school. how would i get bea in the car if she was screaming her head off that she didn't want to go to school and penelope was joining right along in the tears? i came to the conclusion that i don't know. everyday is going to look different and once again, if i look too far ahead it will keep me from even wanting to start. so, i dealt with yesterday. i dealt with penelope's lack of naps. i dealt with more time in the car than i comfortably enjoy. i dealt with it. matt asked me what i was thinking. i told him that i was worried she would be misunderstood, or not understood at all. he said, "sometimes it takes situations like this to make a person dig deep down. i think beatrix will dig deep.
i know she has it in her."

i picked her up at 10:30. i was on the phone with a friend while i was waiting for her. i fear i may have mumbled something quickly when i saw beatrix in the rear view mirror and hung up on her. all i know is that i greeted bea with a huge smile and a hug and she had a smile for me too. i asked her if she had fun and she said, "yeah mama!" i had promised her a picture in front of the train mascot after school so we walked over to it. i held her hand. so happy she was happy.

we went and had lunch with micah at school, which was a highlight for both of them. then bea fell asleep on the way home. and before we knew it it was time to go back to school and pick matt and micah up. when they got home they both opened their backpacks and took out their papers. beatrix loved showing him that she had a backpack too. micah patiently listened and said that he was happy that she liked school so much.

this morning when i dropped her off she was happy to be going to school. she held my hand and carried the star pass to her classroom. she smiled at her teacher, and put her folder where it needed to go. she sat in the same spot she did yesterday to drink her juice box and eat her cereal bar that i had packed for her. i asked her teacher if there was a good time to talk to her about beatrix's day. i told her that i would like to know a little more about what she does so that i could talk to her about it at home. her teacher said that would be fine. at that moment one of the little girls started to cry because her mommy was leaving. bea started to look worried. i asked her teacher if there were other kids in the classroom like beatrix. with kindness she looked right into my eyes and said, "no. not as severe as her." i choked back tears at the term severe. i knew she was severe from the speech pathologist who initially evaluated her. on her chart it was called executive. the term executive degree didn't sound nearly as real as severe. my eyes welled up and she with sincerity said, "she is looking at years of therapy. years. but the early intervention program is really great."  i swallowed the lump in my throat. told bea i loved her and gave her a hug. as i shut the door i heard her cries again and
her voice saying, "mama no".

sigh..

i was talking to my sister-in-law last night who is going through her own set of hardships with her daughter. really really tough stuff. things no parent should have to go through. but because her daughter is happy and smiling it is easy to minimize the reality of what she has in her near future. this morning reminded me of that conversation. i fluctuate between minimizing it and getting smacked in the face with the truth. with the hard work. with the fact that this is going to affect our whole family. it will mean getting up early every morning. it will mean disciplining myself to have dinner early every school night so the kids can get to bed early and wake up happy and ready for a new day. it will mean being flexible with penelope and for the first time it may mean having a baby who takes a few naps on the go instead of being home. it means sharing a car and learning that matt's not a big fan of a lot of words first thing in the morning. 

it means putting our arms around each others shoulders, huddling up and breaking, ready to tackle whatever comes our way.