awakened at the "crocodile"

i had a dream this morning that woke me from my sleep. it was pretty disturbing. i told matt about it and he said "well of course you had that dream you are fighting for control cause you can't stop micah from going to school." i sighed and got up. fixed myself a cup of tea and took dido out for the morning. as i was sitting there waiting for her to do her thing and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, i thought about that dream and than i thought about what matt had said. i looked over and watched the sun come up and inside my head i heard a little voice saying, "mama, i woke up at the crocodile." it was a saying micah said once before he understood that it is actually the crack of dawn.... before he knew better.

matt is right. there is a certain angst that has settled over me these past few weeks. you see school was tough for me. there were times later on in my school career that i really didn't want to be there. i wished i could have run away. i know that micah has grown up in a loving, safe, and caring environment which we could by some measure control and now by sending him to school it is sending him out into all kinds of unknown situations. will the kids be nice to him? will he get picked on? will he pick on other kids? did we raise him right? these are the things i think about.

we had his orientation last night and as i sat in the tiny chair and looked around the room i saw his name everywhere; his hook where he will hang his backpack every morning, his good/bad behavior tag, and his name on the birthday wall it finally hit me that he really is going to school.

micah's birthday is tomorrow. he is going to turn 5. 5 years. i have loved that little boy ever since he entered this world with a love that i didn't know even existed. he came into our lives at a time that we desperately needed something joyous. and he was. pure joy. his smile, his laugh, his cuddles. i'm not saying that all of those things are gone by any means, but tomorrow when he puts on his uniform, his backpack and kisses me goodbye and enters that school building things are going to change. there will be 8 hours a day that i won't be able to be right there with him. 8 hours of things that he does right that i won't be able to praise him and 8 hours that he may do things that would make be cringe that i won't be there to correct. i have to trust that he has learned at least a few of the things that we have taught him. ways to be in the world. he is adventurous and kind, silly and creative, but he also gets hurt a little too easily and i guess that is what i am worried about. i see myself in him. the desire to be liked by the people in this world that don't like anything too much. sigh.... tomorrow it all changes and i don't really know how to prepare myself for it all. i am pretty sure micah will be fine. i'm probably more worried about me.