wise no more

if where we store our wisdom truly is in our "wisdom teeth" then i am in big trouble. i got all of mine pulled out this morning. i talked myself up about it all week knowing it was coming, but when i walked down that hallway and got to the actual room tears welled up in my eyes and i started to panic... pretty sad huh? but i did. i will confess it and hope that you will love me anyway. i did. it was a full fledge panic attack. i even asked the dentist through my tears if those were blood splatters on the wall in front of the chair. he quickly LIED to me and told me "oh no that isn't blood". this is why i am so glad that matt insisted he drive me. i was trying to be all brave and go at it alone, but this morning he insisted and i really think it was a godsend cause i was scared out of my mind when push came to shove.

rationally i knew it would be fine and that the surgeon knew what he was doing, but my body took over and the flight instinct wanted desperately to kick in. matt and the doctor finally talked me into trying one tooth to see how it would go. they numbed me all up, put me on some lovely gas and pull, pull "preasure" and out it came. yeah, i felt it, not the pain but the wiggling of my head wasn't the most pleasant. i cried and they all left the room and matt talked to me about the next two. (luckily i did only have three nuggets of wisdom in my mouth) i did do the last two eventually and looking back on it i am glad that i just went ahead and got them all out at once.

i really don't understand why i was so afraid of this. i mean i have given birth to three babies, one of them totally natural for 36 hours. i passed a kidney stone the size of a popcorn kernel in january and yet i was really terrified to do this. i have been thinking it over and i think it is the anticipation that gets to me. knowing that i am willingly choosing to undergo pain. something that surgeon said to me when i was on the chair and gassed up but fighting him...was "honey you just have to surrender some control. trust me. i know what i am doing". why is it so hard for me to surrender control? i don't want to be like that...i want to be alittle more pliable and flexable and not quite so...well...controling!

so as my face returns to a normal size and i gain enough feeling to smile again at my little family i am left with that statement to think about for awhile. the dentist really tried to make it as painless as possible. i was numb from my mouth to my eyes. they were so numb i could hardly raise my eyelids after it was over. i think he may have given me alittle more gas than normal too. whatever works, i say. anyway, i'm off to change my gauze pads. now THAT is disgusting!