future tense

there are 18 days until my official due date of december 5th.

18 days.

one. eight.

that is nothing!

when i get down to these last few days, and this pregnancy is no exception, i find that i have to force myself to think in future tense. i force myself into getting baby clothes washed and ready. i force myself to wash sheets and set up the bed and buy diapers and wipes. i force myself to speak in future terms such as "when the baby and i come home from the hospital, or when the baby cries mommy will have to feed her to make her happy again." i force myself to buy an outfit for her to come home in.

but if i'm really being honest, what i want to do is wait. i would wait until we are home before i did any of it.

i went through beatrix's old clothes today to wash and sort for the new baby. i came across some of her special clothes and blankets that i set aside just for her to have someday. this purple blanket is one that my sister in law made for beatrix right after she was born. she made one for finn, for micah and for beatrix and i am sure that she will make one for pip....

when she is here.

i force myself to do future tense things.

like wash the clothes she will need for the first 3 months.

like make a sling that i will carry her in.

i force myself to think future tense thoughts...

like i WILL carry her in this sling.

i will open this package of clothes.

i will not save it to take back in case something happens.

i hate this!

i hate that this is the lot i have been dealt. i hate that i can't think future tense thoughts without having it somewhere in the back of my head that all of this preparation may be a waste of time. i hate that i don't expect it to go anything other then perfectly. i really resent that i have to think like this. it makes me so mad sometimes.

i just want to scream.

but i don't.

i don't scream.

i cry sometimes. especially in the dark.

i give God an ear full about it sometimes, especially in the dark.

and i take a deep breath and i rip right through the packaging.

i force myself to think in future tense.