baby ???

i had an ultrasound today and only i could go.
the doctor was able to tell the sex of the baby and so i asked her to write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope so we could all open it together. what you can't see in the picture is matt and i holding hands and beatrix covered in dorito cheese eagerly anticipating the reading of the paper inside.
micah had the honors of reading what was on it.

he opened it and said...well, there is a g.
we had already gone over with him how to spell girl or boy so i knew the doctor had written something different on the paper. i grabbed it from him and showed it to matt who laughed and turned it towards me...this is what the doctor had written....

looks like we are having a girl!

christmas with grandma

we had christmas visit us in july this year...

my mom came to help out while we are cleaning, painting and moving into the new house. she brought the christmas stockings with her that she and my dad made for the grandkids last december. what a fun surprise for micah and beatrix to get in july!

plenty of pink and purple for beatrix.

and micah got dinosaurs!
good job grandma and grandpa

our house

it's ours

and we couldn't be happier.

now to start all of the cleaning and painting before we move next weekend.

more pictures of the inside to come soon.

we've got keys!

we had our closing on Friday!!!

and slowly worked our way through this stack of papers.

boxes

does anyone else find packing a strange concept?
so here is what we do...
we search all over for boxes. we ask our friends, we ask strangers and we comb the stores hoping to score a car full. we bring said boxes home and fill them up. tape them, mark them and than load them into a truck that we had to rent. we unload the boxes and stack them in our new house and than we have to find a place for all of those things that fit so well in the house we had before.
i find this a strange thing.
much like going to the grocery store. someone stacks all of those products on a shelf, we load them into our carts, we take them all out and put them on a moving conveyor belt, they get loaded into a bag, put back into our carts, placed in our cars and than stacked on our own shelves at home. weird, and it's actually a very long process for something that is so necessary.
anyway, i digress.
my point, yes i have one, is that we (i) really must value my things if i am willing to go to all of that work just to move it from one place to another... it makes me think about my things, my stuff. i don't believe that i can live totally without things, but it does make me want to really bring things into our home that we love and value. things that i don't mind moving from point A to point B because it is stuff that brings my family joy and reminds us of good times.
i want to make it a goal that these boxes i fill will be full of treasures, not junk.
i would rather just set fire to it all than move around garbage.

swimsuits

these are the 4 outfits on rotation right now.

can you tell which is her favorite?

{seven}

yesterday, he would have been 7.
July 7th, 2004
so much is going on this year....
micah asked more questions too. complicated questions.
not easy to answer.
he asked me how finn died. what do i say to that? he wasn't sick. he asked me if we have any pictures of him. i said, yes honey. there is one on the wall there of him and daddy. oh, he replied. what did he look like when he was older? sigh from me. he only lived three days, baby. he didn't get older. again he replied, oh. because of all that happened with finn we prayed alot when i was pregnant with you micah. well, didn't you pray when you were pregnant with finnigan, mommy? yes, honey. i prayed alot. why didn't God answer your prayer with him?
(see, tough and complicated questions.)
well, sometimes God says not right now, and sometimes he says, maybe, or later or in awhile. sometimes He says no and sometimes he says yes. alot like how mommy or daddy answer you. micah thinks about this for awhile. well, God is a father. He is Jesus' father. i nod. its all i can do at the moment. he asks if he can hang his shark tooth necklace on finn's memorial candle. we sit in silence for a bit. i ask him if he has any more questions. he shakes his head. i hug him, longer than necessary and whisper that he can ask me anything anytime. its more to remind myself of this fact than anything.
it's tough to talk about it sometimes.
it's not how i would naturally handle it. i think if it were just me i would curl up in a ball on his birthday and not talk to anyone. but we aren't alone, thankfully. life did move on and it is still moving. we are due to have another baby which always makes finn's birthday strange for me. it's hard to focus on him when i am growing another one inside of me. there is too much at risk. too much to be reminded of when i am due with another...
today, micah told me he made up a song for finnigan. he asked me if i wanted to hear it. and as i was washing dishes he sang in the sweetest voice,
finnigan, finnigan, finnigan
precious, precious, precious...
i kneeled down. swallowed hard. hugged him. and whispered thank you.
he walked out and while i was still kneeling on the floor, blown away, i whispered to matt in the next room, did you hear that? he whispered back, yes.
every birthday looks different.
and year 7 was no exception.

(the memorial butterfly bush we planted at my parents' home in iowa. it looks just like the ones on his grave in michigan. )

cardboard pirates

what do you do when you get tired of helping daddy pack his books?
why you take a break and have mommy make a whole pirate ensemble, of course.

complete with eye-patches, swords, and telescopes. and some of daddy's handkerchiefs to really complete the look.
(i told you she wore that outfit almost daily.)

arrrrg, matey!

arrrggg!

"to our pirate ship, BB!"
the fun to be had with a little cardboard.

pack it up, pack it in

the packing has begun.
for the first move in the history of our family we have little helpers. in the past it has just been matt and i, packing boxes, moving furniture and weeding through what has accumulated in our home for however long we have lived there. this time around however, we have two VERY willing helpers. and so we started to prepare for our move early. we began with matt's wall of books. and this little man was more than excited to lend a hand or two.

right now the wall of books has been converted to a wall of boxes.
38 of them so far...

pictures to remember

the outfit she wears almost daily.
seriously!

the ritual before bed, almost nightly.

rest

in the midst of all that has been going on,
we find love.
we find comfort and coziness.
we find rest.

11 years

on june 10th matt and i celebrated 11 years of being married.
and for our anniversary this year we didn't take a weekend trip away,
we didn't go on a cruise,
we didn't even go out for dinner.
in fact, we did something else entirely.
we did something that we have waited 11 years to do...
we put an offer on our first home.

waiting and the back and forth

i turned 35 this year.
35.
how did i get here? not only am i 35...
i'm 35 and pregnant.
pregnant with my 4th baby. i have to admit this one threw me for a loop. i wasn't expecting it at all. in fact i was nice and content with two little ones. i had started planning out the next few years until beatrix would be in school. i would start taking a night class a semester to start preparing myself for entry back into the full time regime. it was starting to look up. i was starting to see the silver lining of when we would have more money. and then,
on april 1st,
yes april fool's day and i do see the irony in it all,
i realized it had been awhile since my last period. i bought a test. and then decided not to take it, but like a fool i mentioned that i had bought it to matt and of course he insisted i take it right away. so we marched into the bathroom...and waited.
we didn't have to wait long.
the line appeared quickly and my confidence in my well planned out future started crumbling. after sitting in silence for sometime, matt looked at me and said well, here we go again. i burst into tears and didn't stop crying for a week.
now that it has sunk in and i am almost half way through this bonus baby pregnancy, we have re-evaluated our plans. we started intensely house hunting. we hadn't done that before and wouldn't have without the motivation that our bonus baby is bringing us. we put an offer in and waited.
it came back.
we countered and waited.
it came back.
we countered again and waited.
it came back.
and we signed.
we signed.
we signed!
ahhh!
we got an inspection. i grew more around my middle.
we found a lender. i made it through nausea.
we ordered an appraisal. i started craving lemonade and mashed potatoes.
we passed the underwriting. i needed bigger pants.
we are getting a home! and we are having a bonus baby.
these two things are intertwined in so many ways. and because they are this little lady is being stretched both physically and emotionally. i am crabby and happy, scared and excited, nervous and cautious, and growing and growing.
waiting and back and forth.
lessons that someone up above obviously wants me to learn.